I didn't have to go through a mid life crisis to find my calling or my purpose! A warm feeling in my chest would often arise when I envisioned myself having the power to touch the lives of many.
The problem that I was having was rare, I had to ask myself HOW?
How would I be able to share my thoughts with the world? I'm not knocking YouTube, I love every bit of it! It was a place that was once golden. But it had shifted into becoming numbers infested; where most people were only posting for profit and popularity. The focus was no longer on content, rather the number of likes and subscribers a person had. I didn't want that to be my central platform.
Yes, YouTube would be in the over-all scheme of things. However, I knew for sure this was so much greater than just having a channel and being popular. I wanted to be able to speak and influence people on every avenue. I know as millennials it's easier to watch something, rather than read it. But your girl, wanted to be able to express herself freely.
I wanted to be genuine with everything I did. I could care less of "how many"! I wanted to be able to post on my rainy days and my sunny days. With pajamas or when my makeup was beat to the gods. At Starbucks or on my cozy couch at home with the aroma of a Mahogany Teakwood candle filling the air. I wanted to be different, everyone has a YouTube channel and that's amazing! But, I wanted to give myself versatility. If I wanted to vlog or film a product review, I could do so. But if I simply just wanted to write, I also had that option. I wanted to offer a central place where I could do everything, from posting a video, a picture or a plain ol' update.
But, This Name Though...
So, what's up with the name?
As a teacher my students called me Miss. Jean because of my last name.
However, MissJeanIsThatYou, was birthed during a time where I was going through a major struggle in life. I was unemployed, and sitting on my mom's couch watching reruns of Divorce court in my pajamas. This was exactly the life I was afraid to live. There are two B words I would like to never experience again. Being broke and being bored. What I didn't know was that during this struggle, I was evolving into a butterfly. I had been going through the stages practically my entire life. In the beginning I was an egg. I was safe, my mom manged the important things in life and all I had to do was be a kid.
My teen years and beginning of adulthood was the larva stage. Life was still simple, I ate , I grew, then when hard situations came along in life I would shed off an old layer and adopt wisdom from the new. I openly prepared myself for what life had to offer me. But, I knew I couldn't stay like this forever, I was soft and small. I could easily be stepped on and crushed. In order to prepare me for these adult roles where I would receive criticism, and rejection; I had to experience the pupa stage.
I begged God to just let me be a butterfly, I was convinced that I was ready. Could I just use my "get out of jail free card". I did not want to be uncomfortable. I even told God that I was okay with staying as a "Caterpillar" forever. But, of course God wasn't cutting any corners for me. He knew that in order for me to develop a healthy anatomy, I would have to complete all four stages of metamorphosis.
It was time for stage three, my personal jail. It was a time of discomfort, I was placed into a tightly wrapped cocoon. But day by day I was changing. So no matter how much I screamed, cried, punched and kicked, that cocoon was solid. Through my anger, through my frustration, through my sadness, through my pity, I evolved. I was so focused on the other side of the cocoon that I almost missed out on the beauty of the struggle. That struggle, created faith, dreams, an open line of prayer and most of all creativity. But since I was in there I decided that I might as well turn these grey walls gold.
I was convinced that this spiritual transformation that God allowed me to endure would bring forth results that would inspire the masses. People would one day ask "MISS JEAN IS THAT YOU"? During this stage of difficulty, I decided to create a public platform where I could openly expose Naderge. The one that stood behind the big smile and fierce attitude. The "Miss Jean", with flaws, with doubts, with insecurities. See this was my sacred place where I could be my most vulnerable self, bare all truths, where I could unveil my passions, my thoughts, my vexations, and my creations. This was the stage where I was introduce to the many parts of me: the artist, the inventor, the writer, the thinker, the therapist (to myself), the reader, the listener. The very thing I was running away from brought me so much beauty, so much light, and so much bliss.
My exterior circumstances did not change yet. However, one day I looked at myself in the mirror I had vibrant colored wings, I no longer crawled, I now had six legs. My head was now decorated with two antennas that kind of looked like a crown at a certain angle. I was finally ready, I had gotten too big. My cocoon opened, and I could finally seen the sun. I started to fly, I looked down and I smiled. I couldn't believe that because of desperation, I would have settled with permanently being a caterpillar. I couldn't even lie the view from the top was stunning. For a couple of days, I just zoomed in the air, east and west. I couldn't stop indulging in this new found freedom. I finally landed on leaf, it was the first time I rested. I looked around me, the life I was granted was unimaginable. I gave God praise, I sung in my own tune, I danced in the rain, I laughed. I had experienced spurts of happiness many times in my life, but this was the first time I tasted joy. I'm so grateful that God was in control.
“There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.”-Buckminster Fuller
Until Next Time.